'Twas the night before Jude's surgery....

...And these are some of my thoughts.

I'm freaking out, I have been for weeks but I haven't showed it much. I actually have been trying to suppress all emotions around people, it's crazy weird. I know everything will most likely go great,

and that it's for the better but part of me is freaked out by the fact that my baby has to have surgery, especially since I've never had surgery, aside from the c-section. It's also weird that he'll look completely different after tomorrow. I know he won't be a different person,

but he'll look different and that makes me kind of sad. Getting his skin tags removed makes me feel hypocritical too. I'll miss his adorable little cheeky nipples.

Since we have to be there at 6 & his surgery's at 7:30 he's not allowed to eat after midnight but he can have pedialyte or water until 4:30. Which means when he wakes up looking to eat at 3 I have to try to give him that. That's going to be a challenge since he won't take a bottle at all. I thought about trying to just cuddle him back to sleep, but I think it will be better to try to get something into his stomach.

I'm also upset about Chris, he's all talk and no walk and it's annoying, but that really has nothing to do with anything and I know if I talk or think about it more I'll just think of more things and it will be catastrophic.

3 months!

It seems so surreal that I have a 3 month old baby. It's odd to say and think about really. I think it's because recently I've been missing my old care-free ways a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I love Jude, and my life with him in it but I think about a year ago and everything was completely different. It's strange how much can change in so short a time.

Like just in this past month a ton has changed. Jude babbles a lot. He has also started chewing on everything he can find. He'll pick up toys and nom on them. He blows spit bubbles like it's his job. He's a chunker too, he has the arm equivalent to cankles, it's adorable.

There was also his first Halloween. We didn't do anything exciting. He wore his

skeleton pajamas all day and watched me make pumpkin lasagna and watched Sydney get zombified for the night. We passed out candy too, but we only got like 20-30 kids, if that. Our neighborhood is lame at Halloween time, it makes me sad because I love Halloween. I took a bunch of Halloween/October pictures of him to make a first Halloween scrapbook with such obligatory shots as him sleeping at the cider mill, him with Sydney getting her costume ready, us being awesome and matching, him watching everyone carve pumpkins, and him with the Jude sized pumpkin I carved for him. Yup, I'm sweet.

Also in October he saw an eye doctor, because of the fused suture they wanted to get a baseline there and make sure his eyesight wasn't being affected by it. It's not, he can see. Have you ever seen someone try to do an eye test on a 2.5 month old though? It's ridiculous especially since there are so many more fascinating, shiny things for a baby to look at in the office than the doctor and the toys he's supposed to look at.

I finally got a call from the plastic surgeon's office with a date for his cvr! February 9th. When he's 6 months exactly.

His skin tag removal is in 2 weeks, and I'm honestly kind of more nervous about this one than the other for some reason. I can't explain it, I just am. Maybe it's because I think his skin tags are adorable and don't want him to change drastically.

The friendship Chris and I were working on? Progressed into a talk about slowly maybe getting back together which then progressed into going out on a date. It was a real date too, a first for me actually... I'm on the fence about the whole thing though. I have my doubts and I have my dreams about the whole thing. Who knows what will happen though.

2 months!

That's right, Jude is 2 months old!!!

Milestones:

-Coos, grunts, squeals.

-Smiles & laughs.

-Holds his head up more frequently.

-Blows spit bubbles.

-Lots of wiggly movements.

-Can grab things when they're placed in his hand.

-Follows moving objects with his eyes.

Those are the only ones I can think of right now, there may be more.

Thursday after his kidney ultrasound I took him to JC Penney to get his portraits taken. He didn't want to wake up for the photographer so there are lots of sleepy ones and some grumpy face ones, it was funny. These are the ones I ordered prints of:

Another big thing, Chris & I are working on a friendship. We texted a bit earlier in the week and made dinner plans for Thursday (which half blew up in my face, but that's a different story for a different place). I ended up not babysitting Wednesday night so I decided to go out to Starbucks with him so just the 2 of us could talk. We ironed some things out & it looks like things are looking up in that department. He came over for a few hours Thursday evening to spend time with Jude & have dinner with my family. It was a pretty good time. :)

Hopefully the betterness sticks.

Jude's first trip to the cottage.

As you know from my last update, I took Jude up north to my grandparents cottage on Lake Huron, just north of Oscoda. The drive there would've went smoother if a) I had fed him right before getting on the road (I had to stop fairly soon after getting on the highway) and b) I hadn't missed the exit for US-23 and didn't realize it until I was almost in Lansing. I had to stop 4 times because of those. Twice to feed Jude, once for more gas, and once to figure out how to get to where I needed to be once I was lost (which was fruitless aside from the Coke & cookies I bought from the McD's I stopped at to pee and get directions). I should've arrived at 12 and instead arrived at 1, which isn't too bad considering we didn't leave until about 8:30.

My grandparents, aunt Kathy, uncle Jim & little cousins Nuala, Lena, and Eamon were also up there, and Jude loved the attention from the kids, they would play with him and he would laugh at their funny faces. He was a good, happy baby all weekend, and surprisingly not too clingy on me and he slept really well, I wish he would have kept sleeping that well when we got home, but oh well, I still love him.

Here are some of the pictures from the weekend.

1) Grandma, Jude, Lena, & Eamon. 2) Jude laughing at Lena. 3) I put Jude in his port-a-crib, came back and found Sydney and Jude chilling in bed like this. 4) He's a pirate, fear him. 5) My aunt Julie made a quilt for my grandpa with everyone's hand prints so we added Jude's footprint to it and since there wasn't an extra empty square, we put him onto mine. 6) Eamon holding Jude. 7) Jude's 1st beach picture. It was about a quarter to seven and he didn't go back to sleep like normal so we took a walk down to the beach before sunrise, he was wrapped cozy and tight in 2 blankets and fell asleep, I got cold so we didn't stay to watch the sun rise. 8) He enjoyed Sydney's homework less than she did. 9) Us on the beach. 10) The kids.

Also, like my new layout. I made it purrty and made the banner myself. :D

Tomorrow night I start watching Haley for Lisa, a pretty awesome family friend. Since I can't get a job because of Jude's upcoming surgeries and her husband is in New Mexico for border patrol training we're helping each other out basically.

2 weeks of stuff

Time to backtrack since I have 2 weeks worth of updating.

Jude had a weight check-up with the pediatrician on the 10th, he gained over a pound & weighed 9 lbs, 10 oz. He's growing so fast and getting chunky.

Jude had his hearing test & CT Scan the 11th. His hearing test was scheduled for 10:15, the CT for 11:45, the radiologists had requested that I didn't feed him after 9:30. That would have worked fine to get the hearing test that required him to be quiet and still if they didn't have us waiting in the waiting area for so long. He woke up and was pissed as soon as we got back into the room so the lady doing it suggested we go do the CT and come back to do the hearing test while he was sleeping after that. The reason they asked for him to not eat presumably was in case they had to administer anesthesia in order to put him to sleep to stay still for the scan. We ended up back in there and they really didn't want to anesthetize him because it is such a short scan and at this point, he's screaming bloody murder so they ask if he'll take a pacifier, which he normally doesn't. So they started to prepare a pacifier dipped in sugar water to see if he'd take that and relax or sleep. They had me lay him down on the scanner table while they were doing that and he fell asleep as soon as I lay him down. We were all baffled by it. They did the scan and since my mum's a CT scanner at a different DMC hospital she had some sweet connections and we got to see his 3D facial reconstruction and everyone talked about how cute he is. We also got the images on a CD for when we go get a second opinion. We went back upstairs for the hearing test while he was sleeping and since he could eat and he was pretty good through it, he woke up during the first part, but we were able to give him a bottle through it to keep him cooperative. He can hear, which we didn't doubt, the surgeon ordered it just to be sure.

Later that night we took him out on the town to the salon for my mum & I to get our hair cut, then a brewery for dinner, and then an old family friend's art gallery opening. He totally dug it all, he loves to look around at things and is so amazed by new things so none of that was too stressful for him, but he did sleep all weekend after, processing all the new things.

A week passed by and then we met with the plastic surgeon again on the 18th and the information she gave us was a bit overwhelming, but it would have been more overwhelming if we hadn't done our research on craniosynostosis. She told us that the suture is definitely fused and showed us his scan, then she proceeded to tell us how treatment was going to go. It came quickly, my mum almost cried. Basically she said that he won't have surgery until he's 6 months old and she outlined the basics of the procedure. She also gave me scripts to see a neurosurgeon, ophthalmologist, and to have an abdominal ultrasound to check his kidneys because the skin tags can also sometimes be indicative of not fully formed kidneys. He's still getting the tags removed in November though, just to get it out of the way and because it's a relatively minor surgery.

I decided that he looks a bit like a Klingon because of his pointy forehead and the wrinkles. When I say it I mean it in a nice, cute way, not a mean making fun of way but my dad likes to make fun of him.

I tried to get ahold of Chris because of all this so we can get together (his family and mine) and talk about this, child support, him being on the birth certificate, involvement, etc. He kept blowing off my calls/texts and when he did reply about getting together a certain day he ended up changing plans at the last minute with one excuse or another. It's bullshit. I'm pissed that he gave me so much shit about wanting to be involved and around a lot but is now doing this. Before I contacted him last weekend, I hadn't heard from him for over a month. The last time I heard from him was right after my birthday. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if he hadn't given me all the shit about wanting to be around and saying he'd be around no matter what and telling everyone else he was going to. He got defensive, and some of my friends got defensive about him with me and I really didn't appreciate it because no one seemed to understand the situation and what he was really doing. What makes it even worse is that him and his parents came to the hospital the night Jude was born because it really did ruin a lot of moments and happy times for me, again, I wouldn't be so upset about it if he actually was around.

Other than all that nonsense, we're doing great. He's all sorts of adorable still and has started smiling and cooing all the time, he even laughs sometimes. It's really funny because he laughs at my sister a lot, probably because we make fun of her and he's catching on. I was going to take him to JC Penney to get some portraits done this weekend, but I decided to reschedule it for October 8th because he will be 2 months and he'll probably smile more easily at cues, either way, these pictures will be super cute, dammit.

This weekend I'm taking him up north to my grandparents cottage on Lake Huron. It will be an adventure, making that 4 hour drive with him and my sister and just being up there with my aunt and cousins and grandparents. Even though I'm not leaving for another 10 hours or so I should probably start packing, I need to disassemble the pack&play, pack clothes for both of us, figure out how to make diapering work up there (I'm thinking I'll pack all of our cloth diapers, the dirty diaper bag without the dirty diapers from today (I'll put those in a plastic bag in the diaper bin for now), and take some disposables for just in case I go through all of the cloth ones, which I shouldn't, but better safe than sorry, or I can pack the Gerber ones, which I'd rather not especially since that's what he'll be in for the drive back and those won't cut it), all while taking care of him, doing housework, and not forgetting to eat, which reminds me, I need more breakfast than just that yogurt I had when I woke up 2 hours ago. I have a feeling I'm going to need at least 2 duffle bags just for this short trip...

I ordered this yesterday and I can't wait to get it! Both the slings I had gotten were too small for me. :/

Well, that's the past 2 weeks for you, I'll try to update more frequently so I'm not just dumping tons of stuff on here. Here's a happy, smiley baby to make up for it.

I lost the words.

I know what I need to update about, I just lost the words as soon as I went to do it. I'm pooped, Jude didn't sleep today, he screamed for hours when it came to be bed time, and just went down not too long ago.

Soon I will really update about:

-CT scans.

-Surgeon meetings.

-Piece of shit "fathers".

-My emotions, maybe.

-Everything else.

Since this isn't a real update and you wasted your time with this preview of an update, here's a picture of my Jujuby from today.

I'm going to sleep. Hopefully it will last at least 3 hours. Good night interwebz world.

As if things weren't already hard enough as it is...

Let me start with the good, Jude turned one month yesterday! Exciting, right? I tried to take pictures of him, but he kept being cranky and uncooperative, plus I haven't uploaded the ones I did get onto my computer yet. Here's one I snapped with photo booth on my laptop though, he had just pooped when I took it. The milestones he has already reached are pretty amazing.

-He's very alert.

-He can hold his up very well & for longer periods of time everyday.

-He looks around at everything & I think he actually has favorite things to look at, like the toys on his baby gym, the fish tank, a green kitty rattle, and me of course.

-He sometimes smiles, but he won't do it for the camera, or I'm too slow to catch them because they come and go quickly.

-He can sometimes roll from his tummy to his back.

-I don't think he knows he has feet yet.

-He makes happy little squeaky noises instead of just cranky ones.

I picked up new diapers last weekend! I got the chinese prefolds, I just started using them yesterday because it took me that long to pre-wash them in between all the other laundry loads and Judey cries. So far, so good with these, now I just need to get my order of crunchy clean in the mail.

Now the stressful...

We saw the plastic surgeon last week (I know, I'm late on updating things). She told us that the skin tags by his ear were extra cartilage & were sometimes indicative of the inner ear not forming completely & ordered a formal hearing test to check. She said we would tentatively schedule the tag removal surgery for November. She was also concerned about the wedgedness of his noggin & ordered a CT scan to see if the metopic sutures are fused. After my mum researched it, we determined that he more than likely has craniosynostosis and that's what they're scanning for. It's extremely rare, about one in 2500-3500 children get it. After looking at pictures of kids with it & then looking at Jude's head, there's no doubt in my mind that he has it. He doesn't show most of the common symptoms of it, which is a good sign that we caught it early I guess because it does inhibit brain growth. It would need to be corrected with a surgery that reforms the skull. We go in for his hearing test & CT scan tomorrow morning at children's hospital. We haven't gotten the official word on if he does or does not have this condition quite yet, but I'm bracing myself for he does just given the pointyness of his head. All of this is probably going to delay my getting a job unfortunately. I wouldn't be able to work & cope with a serious baby surgery at the same time. It would mean that his tag removal would be postponed, because there's no way he's going through multiple surgeries before he turns one.

"Don't forget, you were going to love him if he was the one in two-hundred that had Down's Syndrome. This just makes him even more special."- My mum.