My Baby Shower

Today was my baby shower. It was pretty nice. I have so much stuff to sort through, put away, return, and figure out what I still need that I didn't get though. It's pretty overwhelming, not going to lie. There's just so much. I look at the pile in my room and freak out because I don't know where to start. It will get done I'm sure, and I know my mum will help me out with it, it's just so much, ha.
There are pictures on my mum's camera from the day, I'll post those separately when they're uploaded. Especially the one's of the favors I made and the cake that my dad's coworker made.
It was held at Gala, a small restaurant in downtown Farmington. There were tons of relatives, friends, and family friends there, it was a good crowd.
I wasn't in the highest of spirits or energy throughout the day though, I got maybe 5 hours of sleep and have been zoning out thinking about other unimportant things that I need off of my mind. It's a quarter to one and it's shocking that I'm awake enough to type this. At least I won't need to adjust to little sleep and a bad sleep schedule when Jude gets here, I'm already used to it.
I'm starting to get anxious about the baby being here. It feels like everyone else around me is much more excited for his arrival than I am. It makes me sad and feel awful, but I'm trying, I've been trying since December to get excited. Part of it's my pessimistic attitude towards everything, part of it's my apathy towards everything, part of it's the situation I'm in. I'll probably be thrilled and happy as balls once he's here, but until then I don't expect much excitement coming from me. I know it's going to be hard, and I think that's where my anxiety is coming from, because I'm also realizing that it's so close to happening. I'll be term in 2 weeks. He's due in 5. I feel like there's so much I still need to do to prepare for him, both mentally and with getting all of his stuff together. Mentally preparing myself has been and will probably continue being the hardest part. Like I know this is the most important thing going on in my life right now but I still manage to shove it to the back of my head and think about other frivolous things.
Part of me is still angry about Chris and all that has happened. I fear the impact it will have on Jude. I fear it'll make him hate me and that somehow it's all my fault, even though I know it's not. It's not my fault Chris is immature and irresponsible. Sure, I dumped him, because of those reasons and his stubbornness and the fact that he was unwilling to meet me halfway and make adjustments, but that doesn't mean he has to be a bitter prick about it and do this to Jude. I know I don't have to worry about it for a few years, but I sometimes ponder what will I tell Jude about Chris and why he was not a part of his life. I don't want to lie, but at the same time I don't want to be so bitter about it, which I doubt is possible.
I'll figure this all out. Everything will fall into place. Everything does happen for a reason, right? Do we ever know what that reason is, is it learned over time, or is it always ambiguous?