Major News Alert!

My little bugger is no longer a tiny pollywog. He's mobile!
That's right, he started crawling. Last week, it was slight forward motion, and everyone told me I still had a while. Over the weekend he took a few tiny one crawls forward. The beginning of this week, BAM!, he's moving all over the place. With his newfound mobility comes lots and lots of trouble. He keeps doing things that he knows he shouldn't. He's a typical boy, wants what he can't have. :P
I will admit, his curiosity is kind of cute, but it's kind of worrisome. He keeps going after my old cat. She's 19, mangy, and only likes being pet a certain way only by me 8/10 times, so I think we can all see why this is a problem... He's starting to pull up on things to stand... Like the end table to get my cell phone, or iPod, or laptop. Once those were off, he crawled around the coffee table to where I hid them and tried to crawl over my lap to get to them, clever bugger. OH! And somehow he finds ways to get to electrical cords that I've tucked away or hidden...

Video proof of this new talent to come soon, now a) I'm not on my computer, b) it's night-terrors o'clock, and c) I'm working on making my sister's graduation announcements. I offered to do it because I do nothing but sit with Jude all day, and I like doing this kind of stuff. I want to go to a scrapbooking workshop to learn how to make sweet pages.

I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I heard back from the state about the whole paternity/child support bull malarky. We're scheduled for a hearing with the friend of court on April 26th. I'm trying to not let my nerves get the best of me.

'Twas the night before Jude's surgery....

...And these are some of my thoughts.

I'm freaking out, I have been for weeks but I haven't showed it much. I actually have been trying to suppress all emotions around people, it's crazy weird. I know everything will most likely go great,

and that it's for the better but part of me is freaked out by the fact that my baby has to have surgery, especially since I've never had surgery, aside from the c-section. It's also weird that he'll look completely different after tomorrow. I know he won't be a different person,

but he'll look different and that makes me kind of sad. Getting his skin tags removed makes me feel hypocritical too. I'll miss his adorable little cheeky nipples.

Since we have to be there at 6 & his surgery's at 7:30 he's not allowed to eat after midnight but he can have pedialyte or water until 4:30. Which means when he wakes up looking to eat at 3 I have to try to give him that. That's going to be a challenge since he won't take a bottle at all. I thought about trying to just cuddle him back to sleep, but I think it will be better to try to get something into his stomach.

I'm also upset about Chris, he's all talk and no walk and it's annoying, but that really has nothing to do with anything and I know if I talk or think about it more I'll just think of more things and it will be catastrophic.

3 months!

It seems so surreal that I have a 3 month old baby. It's odd to say and think about really. I think it's because recently I've been missing my old care-free ways a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I love Jude, and my life with him in it but I think about a year ago and everything was completely different. It's strange how much can change in so short a time.

Like just in this past month a ton has changed. Jude babbles a lot. He has also started chewing on everything he can find. He'll pick up toys and nom on them. He blows spit bubbles like it's his job. He's a chunker too, he has the arm equivalent to cankles, it's adorable.

There was also his first Halloween. We didn't do anything exciting. He wore his

skeleton pajamas all day and watched me make pumpkin lasagna and watched Sydney get zombified for the night. We passed out candy too, but we only got like 20-30 kids, if that. Our neighborhood is lame at Halloween time, it makes me sad because I love Halloween. I took a bunch of Halloween/October pictures of him to make a first Halloween scrapbook with such obligatory shots as him sleeping at the cider mill, him with Sydney getting her costume ready, us being awesome and matching, him watching everyone carve pumpkins, and him with the Jude sized pumpkin I carved for him. Yup, I'm sweet.

Also in October he saw an eye doctor, because of the fused suture they wanted to get a baseline there and make sure his eyesight wasn't being affected by it. It's not, he can see. Have you ever seen someone try to do an eye test on a 2.5 month old though? It's ridiculous especially since there are so many more fascinating, shiny things for a baby to look at in the office than the doctor and the toys he's supposed to look at.

I finally got a call from the plastic surgeon's office with a date for his cvr! February 9th. When he's 6 months exactly.

His skin tag removal is in 2 weeks, and I'm honestly kind of more nervous about this one than the other for some reason. I can't explain it, I just am. Maybe it's because I think his skin tags are adorable and don't want him to change drastically.

The friendship Chris and I were working on? Progressed into a talk about slowly maybe getting back together which then progressed into going out on a date. It was a real date too, a first for me actually... I'm on the fence about the whole thing though. I have my doubts and I have my dreams about the whole thing. Who knows what will happen though.

My Baby Shower

Today was my baby shower. It was pretty nice. I have so much stuff to sort through, put away, return, and figure out what I still need that I didn't get though. It's pretty overwhelming, not going to lie. There's just so much. I look at the pile in my room and freak out because I don't know where to start. It will get done I'm sure, and I know my mum will help me out with it, it's just so much, ha.
There are pictures on my mum's camera from the day, I'll post those separately when they're uploaded. Especially the one's of the favors I made and the cake that my dad's coworker made.
It was held at Gala, a small restaurant in downtown Farmington. There were tons of relatives, friends, and family friends there, it was a good crowd.
I wasn't in the highest of spirits or energy throughout the day though, I got maybe 5 hours of sleep and have been zoning out thinking about other unimportant things that I need off of my mind. It's a quarter to one and it's shocking that I'm awake enough to type this. At least I won't need to adjust to little sleep and a bad sleep schedule when Jude gets here, I'm already used to it.
I'm starting to get anxious about the baby being here. It feels like everyone else around me is much more excited for his arrival than I am. It makes me sad and feel awful, but I'm trying, I've been trying since December to get excited. Part of it's my pessimistic attitude towards everything, part of it's my apathy towards everything, part of it's the situation I'm in. I'll probably be thrilled and happy as balls once he's here, but until then I don't expect much excitement coming from me. I know it's going to be hard, and I think that's where my anxiety is coming from, because I'm also realizing that it's so close to happening. I'll be term in 2 weeks. He's due in 5. I feel like there's so much I still need to do to prepare for him, both mentally and with getting all of his stuff together. Mentally preparing myself has been and will probably continue being the hardest part. Like I know this is the most important thing going on in my life right now but I still manage to shove it to the back of my head and think about other frivolous things.
Part of me is still angry about Chris and all that has happened. I fear the impact it will have on Jude. I fear it'll make him hate me and that somehow it's all my fault, even though I know it's not. It's not my fault Chris is immature and irresponsible. Sure, I dumped him, because of those reasons and his stubbornness and the fact that he was unwilling to meet me halfway and make adjustments, but that doesn't mean he has to be a bitter prick about it and do this to Jude. I know I don't have to worry about it for a few years, but I sometimes ponder what will I tell Jude about Chris and why he was not a part of his life. I don't want to lie, but at the same time I don't want to be so bitter about it, which I doubt is possible.
I'll figure this all out. Everything will fall into place. Everything does happen for a reason, right? Do we ever know what that reason is, is it learned over time, or is it always ambiguous?